journey of a blessed family

I had certainly hoped and prayed to have great news to share from China by today, but unfortunately we're at the 180 day mark and still have not received that blessed letter. [That's 6 months waiting for a letter that normally takes 2 or 3] China confirmed over a month ago that our file was finished with review and they would be sending the letter we're waiting for....and then they confirmed again last week that "preparations for our letter had begun and we MAY receive it SOON"...but, alas, nothing yet.

Yes, we're certainly disappointed and it's been a little difficult to get into the Christmas spirit this year because we fully believed all year that we would have our son home long before Christmas and yet we'll be celebrating it again without him....But don't fear, we are okay!

I've been trying to fight being really depressed about the whole situation and wanting to just curl up and pull the covers over my head...I've felt kind of bad about being sad--like I'm not being strong enough or something. But, God sent me a timely message a few days ago. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Right after I said, "You got that right!!"...I realized, yes, I've definitely been heart-sick, but I guess it's nothing to be ashamed of...God acknowledged it right there in His word...I don't have to pretend it's not real or feel guilty because I've somehow failed. When something that you've been longing for, praying for, hoping for doesn't happen it makes you sad--even sick! What I do have to realize and cling to is that our hope, our longing, is deferred....delayed, not destroyed or abandoned. IT WILL COME (eventually) and when it does--CELEBRATION!!

We truly appreciate your prayers as we continue to wait and hold on to that HOPE...and we can't wait to be jumping for joy and shouting in celebration that our news has arrived!! It has to be soon--really!!

The pictures above are some from the past month or so...The kids enjoying counting down to Christmas with their Advent Calendars (last piece of chocolate was TODAY); a picture of my 'expecting' ornament (I already have three 'pregnant' ornaments on the tree from the years that I was expecting to give birth...this year's expectation is a little different but is now also commemorated by an ornament)...the boys playing basketball and some holiday poses---I sent a Christmas package with a camera to China this week, so hopefully I'll have some new pics of G to post soon....Enjoy the glimpses of what's going on in our family!

Praying you all have a Merry Christmas and a blessed 2009! Love, D

But amazingly, I'm fine! I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. And although that was 30 days added to our wait time, it was not nearly as painful as the previous days and weeks and months have been. Want to know why? I think I've finally mastered this 'waiting patiently for the Lord' thing that has been such a struggle for me--Praise God!

I've been reflecting back on this past month and have really seen God at work helping me to grasp the concept of 'waiting patiently'....Here's a couple excerpts from some recent emails I sent on the subject....

1) I was reading a devotional today that really spoke to me about not worrying or being upset about what's going on. (and not feeling bad about that--I think sometimes if I'm not actively thinking about it or if I haven't said at least three prayers by breakfast then I must not be doing enough even though I know constantly worrying about it is just spinning my wheels)

The scripture passage is from Genesis 50:15-21 where Joseph's father has died and his brothers are worried that Joseph will seek revenge. It includes the passage "What you intended for evil, God meant for good...."

The devotional says, "Sometimes our worry is the thread by which we hang onto the belief that we can do something to change our situation and end our fear. (yep, right so far) As ridiculous as it is, we believe that our anxiety gives us some measure of control. Or we believe it keeps God mindful of our problem. We are afraid that without the pressure of our fear, He might forget what we want from Him. But our anxiety and demanding prayers accomplish nothing. We fear giving up our fear because if we don't worry, who will remember to care? If we don't worry, would God decide we really aren't concerned about the issue? If we don't worry, are we giving up hope of God involving Himself in our world? (any of this hitting home so far or am I the only one it's speaking directly to?)

I think I actually gave up a week or so ago on being worried about timing--sure I'd have loved to have had my son by now or at least by Christmas, but at this point I'm shooting for Easter and anything sooner will just be a bonus!! (Lower expectations means less disappointment!) It actually seems to be working--I've been far less stressed about whether or not the phone is going to ring. If it does, great...if not, I'll just go about my business... it feels slightly like giving up, but I'm not withdrawing my dossier or anything...the adoption will still happen, but my anxiety is pointless, so why bother? [is this what resting in peace feels like--giving up???] That might have just been an epiphany!! :-)

2) When I released my expectation (demand) of traveling by Christmas, then it became less difficult to see each day pass and easier to rest on the truth that "it'll happen when God says it will happen" ?? I guess that's a good thing. It kind of feels like I've given up, but maybe that's what waiting in peace feels like?? I give up MY WILL for His.

3) It's been amazing lately how calm I've been with the wait. Of course I want to hear something RIGHT NOW, but I've somehow been able to say, "it's fine...If God doesn't want us to go yet, I trust Him to take care of G until He sends us" (and actually mean it!) Truly, I'd love to have news of our LOA before Thanksgiving--I hope God grants me that request. It was Thanksgiving Day last year that my husband gave me the great gift of agreeing that we should proceed with adopting G; so the timing would be nice if we could hear something in the next few days.

So, maybe you can also see that God has been working on my heart...I hope He's almost finished with this renovation (or this phase of the renovation, anyway) and can let us move on to the next step.

We did get some positive news a week or so ago that "our file was through the Review Room and awaiting issuance of our LOA" That means if they had had any questions or problems with our file, they would have asked them already--yay! but, I have no idea how long the next step will take--boo! So, I've been cautiously joyous and thankful to have taken another small step on the journey with a slight hint of 'I'll believe it [and be truly joyful] when I see it!' thrown in for good measure. (That does NOT mean I don't have faith for God to work, I'm just not so certain about Ch*na :-)

Waiting patiently...(but can't wait to give you that fabulous news that the call has come in!!) D

Sorry to keep you hanging all week...last Friday's post was quite an exciting event, huh? I refer to it now as 'my public meltdown'! I'm happy to report that very shortly after pounding my fists on Daddy's chest and crying in His arms, I felt much better! I had a greater sense of peace and, dare I say it, patience. Well, maybe not patience, maybe just a resignation that being upset wasn't solving anything and wouldn't make anything happen (except maybe to make me and everyone around me miserable) and so, I determined (yet again) to continue to wait a bit more quietly. I'm trying to be more positive...I'm trying to focus on other things....I'm trying--really, I'm trying!

Having said that, however, there has been a greater sense of expectation this week (from everyone, not just me) that an LOA is coming--SOON. We're just on the verge of 120 days (4 months!) and even most of the slow ones come by that point. I've stayed calm...I've hoped...Of course, I've prayed that God would grant our plea...Today is Friday--the last day we could hear something this week--so the tension is mounting--the expectation is high....


Each morning I get an email from Air1 radio station and each morning I read the verse and ponder it and wonder how it relates to me/how I can live it out/how will it come to pass in my life/what do I need to change to live this verse/WHAT IS IT SAYING FOR ME TODAY? Sometimes I'm glad to claim the verse and other days it's a little harder. But, I'm always hoping for a direct word of encouragement especially about our adoption process and our wait. Well, this morning when I opened my email and read the Air1 verse of the day, this is what I found:

To which I immediately replied: "NOOOOOOO!!"

If I'd thought I'd already been waiting bravely and courageously, then I would have assumed this was a sign that my wait was over--"Well done, brave and courageous servant! You have waited paitently and now I will grant your petition".....Darn....I can't claim that, because as you well know, I've been REALLY impatient!! I've been trying to pretend like I've been patient, but really, truly, probably NOT!!

You know, maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself. I suppose there have been measures of patience peppered generously with some 'Why are You Ignoring Me?' temper tantrums and a few 'Wo is Me' sulkings as well as a handful of 'I Give Up!' moments of dispair. Is that what you would consider 'waiting patiently'? Hmmmm....maybe not. Although, when I think about King David and the Psalms, I think of HUNDREDS of verses where he says something to the effect of: "Just kill me now....life is so miserable....why have you abandoned me?....Why does everyone hate me?....Why aren't you doing something?" Basically some temper tantrums, sulkings and moments of dispair. Sound familiar? Maybe I'm not so pathetic after all! Maybe, as I said in my last post, I'm just human! Surely, God sees that I'm trying. There have been lots of moments where I've said (and meant) that I trust God's timing (even though I don't approve of it!) and that I've believed that He has the master plan all laid out (even though I don't see it yet) and that I've gone to sleep at night peacefully knowing that G's life is in His Father's hands (and that's been good enough for me.) Surely, that's something.

Ok, so I've been mostly brave and sort of courageous and have waited semi-patiently.....I wonder if that counts? Please, God, can that count for something?

**lunchtime update--got word from our agency that nothing came for us today....funny how much better I feel this week upon getting that news than I did last week (remember--public meltdown?) Maybe there's something to this 'waiting patiently for the Lord' thing!

...be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord! blessings, D

Please pray—I’m so disheartened. Looking at the calendar today I realized Thanksgiving is just 6 weeks away. Even if we had heard something today (which we didn’t--Day 112 since our paperwork arrived in China), it would be highly unlikely that we could get travel arranged before December 1. So the Sept/Oct/Nov timeframe that I’ve hoped for all year long (and even stupidly thought for a while that we might be ahead of) is now gone for us.

I don’t like it and I don’t understand it and even though I love God and trust God, I don’t like His timing and I don’t understand why He is holding us back from the child He chose for us. I feel like that parent that sometimes says “I love you, but I don’t like you right now”…except I’m not the parent, I’m His child and it upsets me that I feel that way toward Him—but it’s how I feel.

I praise Him because He’s God and even if things aren’t going the way I want them, I know He is grace and love and hope and salvation and mercy and justice and truth and for all that and so much more I am so very thankful and grateful…..but, still….I want my child…I don’t understand why it’s not time to be a family yet….what possible good reason could there be for delaying us? I feel like such a big baby and weakling to be upset over what, in the grand scheme of things, is so minor—what’s a few more days or weeks? But, come on, are those extra days and weeks really necessary????

I soooo want to wait peacefully and joyfully and gracefully, but instead, God’s pulling me along kicking and screaming and pouting and crying that I’m not getting my way—I’m sorry to be so human—I much prefer when I can stand strong and faithful and make it look like I’m some Godly woman who's got things completely under control….but honestly, that doesn't describe me at the moment!

My Streams in the Desert devotional focused yesterday on Psalm 51:17..."The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart..." Well, I need to research 'contrite heart' a bit more--I think it means I can't be doing that 'kicking and screaming' thing I just mentioned; but folks, I've definitely got the 'broken spirit' part covered!

Before any of you listening (I think there's 2 of you following along) gets too upset and fears my imminent nervous breakdown...relax...I DO LOVE GOD AND TRUST HIM TO GET ME THROUGH THIS....I think I just needed that little venting time and a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing and, most importantly, I needed to admit before God and all present that I'm a weak, broken vessel who can't do this alone! I feel tremendously better already.

Guess I'm working on that 'contrite heart' thing next...LORD help me!! I would very deeply appreciate your prayers...'that God would hurry up' might not be the most appropriate thing to ask for (but I don't mind you trying) Maybe we should ask that the waiting time would be for some good purpose instead of my current practice of staring at my phone willing it to ring. Need to focus my energies for good instead of evil (well, wastefullness, anyway) I suppose if I consider the timing, I should focus more on promoting the Operation Christmas Child ministry that I love so much. Will you join me in filling a box (or 5) between now and Nov 24?

May God Be Glorified (even when I feel like there's a dark cloud over my head)!!! Blessings, D

Okay so I'm not saying 'no news is good news'....but it's not bad news either...just 'no news'!!

Wow! After complaining that I'd been missing all the averages so far....God gave me the gift of a super-quick Log In Date of June 27, 2008--just 7 days since it was sent! Thanks God! and Thanks China! for being so quick to translate and log-in (...and for not letting our file slide off the stack and onto the floor where it is lost under a desk for 5 months--a continual anxiety of mine!!)

So...we've taken yet another important step in the journey!! Next comes Letter of Acceptance (the average I've seen for Special Needs files is about 2 1/2 months...but you know how I feel about the averages!! You just never know!!)

We're still hoping to travel by Oct/Nov (and still have many grant applications to write and wait for, so we'll need every bit of that time to get the funding secured!!)

But, we're one step further along, so LET'S CELEBRATE!! (I might just splurge on Starbucks today!!)

Blessings, D

Hope you enjoy these few, precious glimpses of our son...
To get the music to play you must click on the speaker icon in the top left corner of the slide show. (it's supposed to play automatically, but I can't get it to work!!)

So, I'm playing with the 'add photo' feature now...it's been a few weeks since I actually created this blog, but I've not told anyone yet, so this is just my trial period. I've adjusted the name twice, the background a time or two...it's basic to say the least, but I'm getting my feet wet.

This photo, in case you were wondering, shows the items I sent in my most recent care package to our dear Min boy (I'm also deciding if I want to include our real names or come up with code names...hmmm, not sure!) I've been watching usps.com for tracking and the package was 'attempted delivery' status yesterday, so should be delivered by now! I wish I could be there to see him open his things. Hopefully they're taking pictures with the disposable camera I included inside. I will have a translator call in a day or two to check to see that everything arrived and to possibly get some updates. Pray that they will be willing to pass along some info (and maybe some new pics!)

I realize I've not told you much of interest yet, but bear with me, I'm just trying things out! More to come later (Fits 'n Starts, that's what I have time for right now!...maybe that would be a good name for my blog!!) Blessings!

I don't even know where to begin with this blogging thing...I've been cyber-stalking so many other blogs for months now, but don't quite know where to start with my own. I'm pondering and planning right now and will get back to you shortly!!