The Ramblings of a Woman Who is Falling Apart...
Friday, October 17, 2008
Please pray—I’m so disheartened. Looking at the calendar today I realized Thanksgiving is just 6 weeks away. Even if we had heard something today (which we didn’t--Day 112 since our paperwork arrived in China), it would be highly unlikely that we could get travel arranged before December 1. So the Sept/Oct/Nov timeframe that I’ve hoped for all year long (and even stupidly thought for a while that we might be ahead of) is now gone for us.
I don’t like it and I don’t understand it and even though I love God and trust God, I don’t like His timing and I don’t understand why He is holding us back from the child He chose for us. I feel like that parent that sometimes says “I love you, but I don’t like you right now”…except I’m not the parent, I’m His child and it upsets me that I feel that way toward Him—but it’s how I feel.
I praise Him because He’s God and even if things aren’t going the way I want them, I know He is grace and love and hope and salvation and mercy and justice and truth and for all that and so much more I am so very thankful and grateful…..but, still….I want my child…I don’t understand why it’s not time to be a family yet….what possible good reason could there be for delaying us? I feel like such a big baby and weakling to be upset over what, in the grand scheme of things, is so minor—what’s a few more days or weeks? But, come on, are those extra days and weeks really necessary????
I soooo want to wait peacefully and joyfully and gracefully, but instead, God’s pulling me along kicking and screaming and pouting and crying that I’m not getting my way—I’m sorry to be so human—I much prefer when I can stand strong and faithful and make it look like I’m some Godly woman who's got things completely under control….but honestly, that doesn't describe me at the moment!
My Streams in the Desert devotional focused yesterday on Psalm 51:17..."The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart..." Well, I need to research 'contrite heart' a bit more--I think it means I can't be doing that 'kicking and screaming' thing I just mentioned; but folks, I've definitely got the 'broken spirit' part covered!
Before any of you listening (I think there's 2 of you following along) gets too upset and fears my imminent nervous breakdown...relax...I DO LOVE GOD AND TRUST HIM TO GET ME THROUGH THIS....I think I just needed that little venting time and a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing and, most importantly, I needed to admit before God and all present that I'm a weak, broken vessel who can't do this alone! I feel tremendously better already.
Guess I'm working on that 'contrite heart' thing next...LORD help me!! I would very deeply appreciate your prayers...'that God would hurry up' might not be the most appropriate thing to ask for (but I don't mind you trying) Maybe we should ask that the waiting time would be for some good purpose instead of my current practice of staring at my phone willing it to ring. Need to focus my energies for good instead of evil (well, wastefullness, anyway) I suppose if I consider the timing, I should focus more on promoting the Operation Christmas Child ministry that I love so much. Will you join me in filling a box (or 5) between now and Nov 24?
May God Be Glorified (even when I feel like there's a dark cloud over my head)!!! Blessings, D
Friday, October 17, 2008 at 10:00:00 PM EDT
There are more than two of us ;-)
We dont know each other, but Ive been following your website for some time. My daughter came home in January , and I know how HARD it is when you cant get to your child and so desperately want to hold them in your arms and make it ok. Gods plan is sometimes so hard to understand - sometimes we eventually are given a glimpse of the "reason" and sometimes not. But I do believe that God is holding sweet little Gabriel in His arms until you can.
And what a wonderful place for him to be.
I have no doubt that God understands when we have moments that our faith wavers - he has definitely been patient with me during thise times. And I know looking back, that He has always used those really hard times to draw me closer to Him.
I promise you that I will be praying for peace for both you and your son while the plan unfolds.
Vanessa
Friday, October 17, 2008 at 10:30:00 PM EDT
Okay, then, three of you!! :-) Thank you Vanessa for your encouragement (I don't have your email)...we may not know each other, but it sure sounds like you know what I'm going through and I appreciate that very much! I know I'll get through it and will be on the other side of this torture in a few short months...but from where I'm sitting right now, it seems so very far away!
My blog meltdown has already really helped to knock down some walls around my heart that I'd been sulking behind for the past few weeks...so for that I'm thankful. It's like I needed to let God know how I was feeling (like he didn't already know) and now that it's out in the open, we can work through it together. (I generally have to go through that same process with my husband--sulking in silence, vent/meltdown, all better :-)
Anyway...thanks for following along and for the prayers (especially the prayers!) I can't wait til I'm sharing good news!!
Blessings, Doreen
ps...congratulations on your little one....blog???
Friday, October 17, 2008 at 10:49:00 PM EDT
Doreen, I just emailed you, but when I read this, I couldn't believe it. You have to go read this post: http://bekahw4.blogspot.com/2008/10/casse-et-beau.html
It spoke powerfully to me today. I think it will encourage you too.
Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 9:25:00 AM EDT
Hi D!
Trust me when I say there are a LOT of people who understand how you are feeling right now. Adoption is such an emotional rollercoaster. The waiting is so hard on our hearts. Sometimes, I think God plans it that way, similar to labor to make us that more invested in these little ones. I feel your pain because I have know how long you have been waiting.... I've been on the sidelines cheering you on and praying for you, your family, and Gabriel. This week I am going to pray specifically that God will move and you will get your paperwork. I'm believing for you!!
We waited a long time for travel. We traveled with one other family to the province. Her daughter was older NSN.... very unique. She later told me the her dd had anemia... and later dx with BThal trait. Now, I know why we waited and traveled with her.... It was a total God thing.
Lay your burdens at His feet, He has it handled. Easier said than done.... I know.
~Rebecca
Sunday, October 19, 2008 at 2:38:00 AM EDT
Hi my sweet and adorable cousin....Yes I remember my kicking and screaming episode when several other families that were behind us getting their papers to the Guatemala attorneys and low and behold they got their papers translated several weeks before ours were done..which put them way ahead in the process??? I really fell out with God only to let him know how much he had spoiled me and that I had expected that same special treatment always as his child :) but as I cried and wined and questioned, what is he doing and why...he reminded me of "Job" and also what God the father had to suffer watching his son be crucified....I had begun devastatingly to feel that we don't have a special covering after all..that it is just a random call...but he let me know that all things work out for my good..and what is really bizarre...the attorney that we wanted because we had met him before we got our refferal...He did not get picked for us out of the 2 attorneys our agency uses..and we were very concerned...but in the end we found out that we got the best and most honest attorney. The other attorney our friends got and he is in trouble for fraud and etc..But God worked out a miracle for them..they got their Guatemalan baby anyway...from Texas..the Parents came here from Guatemala just to have the baby because Guatemala adoptions had closed...Both stories are much longer and so GOD...Hang on because God is always working for your good and he is sovereign...no question about it and he LOVES Gabriel more than you will ever know how...he is working and his timing is perfect! I remember that smile he made sure you got...I also got little things that made the wait alittle easier...Praying
Love you Much,
C