journey of a blessed family

Sorry to keep you hanging all week...last Friday's post was quite an exciting event, huh? I refer to it now as 'my public meltdown'! I'm happy to report that very shortly after pounding my fists on Daddy's chest and crying in His arms, I felt much better! I had a greater sense of peace and, dare I say it, patience. Well, maybe not patience, maybe just a resignation that being upset wasn't solving anything and wouldn't make anything happen (except maybe to make me and everyone around me miserable) and so, I determined (yet again) to continue to wait a bit more quietly. I'm trying to be more positive...I'm trying to focus on other things....I'm trying--really, I'm trying!

Having said that, however, there has been a greater sense of expectation this week (from everyone, not just me) that an LOA is coming--SOON. We're just on the verge of 120 days (4 months!) and even most of the slow ones come by that point. I've stayed calm...I've hoped...Of course, I've prayed that God would grant our plea...Today is Friday--the last day we could hear something this week--so the tension is mounting--the expectation is high....


Each morning I get an email from Air1 radio station and each morning I read the verse and ponder it and wonder how it relates to me/how I can live it out/how will it come to pass in my life/what do I need to change to live this verse/WHAT IS IT SAYING FOR ME TODAY? Sometimes I'm glad to claim the verse and other days it's a little harder. But, I'm always hoping for a direct word of encouragement especially about our adoption process and our wait. Well, this morning when I opened my email and read the Air1 verse of the day, this is what I found:

To which I immediately replied: "NOOOOOOO!!"

If I'd thought I'd already been waiting bravely and courageously, then I would have assumed this was a sign that my wait was over--"Well done, brave and courageous servant! You have waited paitently and now I will grant your petition".....Darn....I can't claim that, because as you well know, I've been REALLY impatient!! I've been trying to pretend like I've been patient, but really, truly, probably NOT!!

You know, maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself. I suppose there have been measures of patience peppered generously with some 'Why are You Ignoring Me?' temper tantrums and a few 'Wo is Me' sulkings as well as a handful of 'I Give Up!' moments of dispair. Is that what you would consider 'waiting patiently'? Hmmmm....maybe not. Although, when I think about King David and the Psalms, I think of HUNDREDS of verses where he says something to the effect of: "Just kill me now....life is so miserable....why have you abandoned me?....Why does everyone hate me?....Why aren't you doing something?" Basically some temper tantrums, sulkings and moments of dispair. Sound familiar? Maybe I'm not so pathetic after all! Maybe, as I said in my last post, I'm just human! Surely, God sees that I'm trying. There have been lots of moments where I've said (and meant) that I trust God's timing (even though I don't approve of it!) and that I've believed that He has the master plan all laid out (even though I don't see it yet) and that I've gone to sleep at night peacefully knowing that G's life is in His Father's hands (and that's been good enough for me.) Surely, that's something.

Ok, so I've been mostly brave and sort of courageous and have waited semi-patiently.....I wonder if that counts? Please, God, can that count for something?

**lunchtime update--got word from our agency that nothing came for us today....funny how much better I feel this week upon getting that news than I did last week (remember--public meltdown?) Maybe there's something to this 'waiting patiently for the Lord' thing!

...be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord! blessings, D

Please pray—I’m so disheartened. Looking at the calendar today I realized Thanksgiving is just 6 weeks away. Even if we had heard something today (which we didn’t--Day 112 since our paperwork arrived in China), it would be highly unlikely that we could get travel arranged before December 1. So the Sept/Oct/Nov timeframe that I’ve hoped for all year long (and even stupidly thought for a while that we might be ahead of) is now gone for us.

I don’t like it and I don’t understand it and even though I love God and trust God, I don’t like His timing and I don’t understand why He is holding us back from the child He chose for us. I feel like that parent that sometimes says “I love you, but I don’t like you right now”…except I’m not the parent, I’m His child and it upsets me that I feel that way toward Him—but it’s how I feel.

I praise Him because He’s God and even if things aren’t going the way I want them, I know He is grace and love and hope and salvation and mercy and justice and truth and for all that and so much more I am so very thankful and grateful…..but, still….I want my child…I don’t understand why it’s not time to be a family yet….what possible good reason could there be for delaying us? I feel like such a big baby and weakling to be upset over what, in the grand scheme of things, is so minor—what’s a few more days or weeks? But, come on, are those extra days and weeks really necessary????

I soooo want to wait peacefully and joyfully and gracefully, but instead, God’s pulling me along kicking and screaming and pouting and crying that I’m not getting my way—I’m sorry to be so human—I much prefer when I can stand strong and faithful and make it look like I’m some Godly woman who's got things completely under control….but honestly, that doesn't describe me at the moment!

My Streams in the Desert devotional focused yesterday on Psalm 51:17..."The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a contrite heart..." Well, I need to research 'contrite heart' a bit more--I think it means I can't be doing that 'kicking and screaming' thing I just mentioned; but folks, I've definitely got the 'broken spirit' part covered!

Before any of you listening (I think there's 2 of you following along) gets too upset and fears my imminent nervous breakdown...relax...I DO LOVE GOD AND TRUST HIM TO GET ME THROUGH THIS....I think I just needed that little venting time and a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing and, most importantly, I needed to admit before God and all present that I'm a weak, broken vessel who can't do this alone! I feel tremendously better already.

Guess I'm working on that 'contrite heart' thing next...LORD help me!! I would very deeply appreciate your prayers...'that God would hurry up' might not be the most appropriate thing to ask for (but I don't mind you trying) Maybe we should ask that the waiting time would be for some good purpose instead of my current practice of staring at my phone willing it to ring. Need to focus my energies for good instead of evil (well, wastefullness, anyway) I suppose if I consider the timing, I should focus more on promoting the Operation Christmas Child ministry that I love so much. Will you join me in filling a box (or 5) between now and Nov 24?

May God Be Glorified (even when I feel like there's a dark cloud over my head)!!! Blessings, D

Okay so I'm not saying 'no news is good news'....but it's not bad news either...just 'no news'!!